Part 2 in a 2-part series
Last time I promised we’d look at one way to use influence to close the gender communication gap. I’ve decided to choose a scenario that I believe is not only relevant, but has also grown increasingly prevalent in today’s hectic world.
Asking for information.
The difference between men and women in this arena is directly linked to the male/female priorities of status and connection (see Influence By Design blog post: #1 Difference Between The Sexes Every Woman Needs To Know).
You’d think with as much easy access to DNA-detailed information there is on the planet—thanks to computers, iPods and even GPS—men might let up somewhat with their (sometimes angry) resistance to asking for information.
No such luck.
Riding in the car with her husband, Carl, Sally is fuming. But it’s not because Carl doesn’t know which neighborhood street to take to reach their destination. They’ve been driving around aimlessly for 30 minutes and she’s mad because Carl refuses to ask someone which way to go.
Through her feminine filter, Sally knows that if she were driving, she would have stopped and asked for directions the moment she realized she didn’t know which way to go. The couple would already be enjoying themselves in the comfort of their friends’ living room.
Since asking for directions doesn’t make her uncomfortable, not asking doesn’t make sense to Sally and is a source of unnecessary stress.
But in her husband’s world, asking for help is uncomfortable, so driving around is not only reasonable, it actually makes him feel better and less stressed.
What’s going on here? Why do men resist asking for information, and just as important, why is it so many women don’t, even when they feel it’s the right thing to do?
Don’t forget the basics.
Men value status; women, relationship. Keep the perception.
When you relay information, the information is equivalent to the message. But let’s say, like Sally and Carl, neither person has the information. Inherently for men, whoever has the information is one step up on the hierarchy ladder by virtue of being more knowledgeable (and therefore more competent).
So by not asking for directions and finding his own way, Carl is honoring the independence he perceives as necessary for his self-respect. The choice is easy, worth the price of extra time spent.
By their very nature, meta-messages (the message hidden beneath what we readily communicate), are tricky to talk about. Mostly, we don’t know they exist! So when Sally begs to know why Carl won’t simply ask for directions, Carl responds solely in terms to Sally’s ‘face-value’ information.
“There’s no point in asking,” Carl may say. “After all, the person we stop on the street may not know and will probably give us the wrong directions.”
By this time, Sally may be doubly irate. Not only are they wasting valuable time, Carl’s response makes absolutely no sense.
How likely is it that a local is going to give them wrong directions? Even if that that did happen, how would their situation be any different?
In Sally’s world, when a person doesn’t know something, she would simply say, “I don’t know.” But in Carl’s mind, that would be humiliating and all the more reason why a stranger would make something up. Which would lead them further astray.
Talk at this level will only drive a bigger wedge between Sally and Carl. When they arrive at their destination, their “ride over” frustration may stay with them all evening—or longer. For many couples, fights over directions are common.
Ending the communication confusion
To the extent that giving information (directions or a form of direct help) is of use to another, this communication reinforces human bonds. But when the situation is perceived as “off-balance,” or asymmetrical, it creates hierarchy.
When giving information frames a person as an expert or authority, for the status-minded, receiving the information becomes a negotiation of pecking order.
In American culture, this is commonplace mostly in the teacher-student environment.
In the workplace and home this potential for “one-upmanship” plays out continuously, to the point where some women are cautious about stating information that they know—especially in the company of men.
There is a kind of social contract happening here. Many women feel comfortable seeking help and honored accept it, use it and give appreciation for it. Too, most men feel honor-bond to answer the call for help, even when it’s not convenient.
Time to Influence It!
One of my clients was so wise, that when her husband did ask for directions, she would give them, then follow-up with, “You know, that’s how I would go, but there could be a better way.”
Smartly, she was redressing the imbalance of power her husband may perceive. Using the words,” just a suggestion” works better than “giving instructions.”
Something else that appeals to men is action. Framing asking for directions as “taking action” can appeal to a man’s sense of what can be done. Next time you find yourself driving around endlessly in circles, say, “Honey, (always start with honey!) I need a restroom so could we stop, please? Plus I can check with the clerk how close we are.”
Since being of help relieves stress for a woman, having directions in advance, framed with “I called ahead” can work wonders.
Women can exercise some influence on any conversation and choose to address topics they want to discuss. To most women, conflict is a threat to connection (relationship), and to be avoided at all costs. But to many men, conflict is a means of negotiating status and is sought and even enjoyed as a way of connection.
Men and women may perceive the same the same scene in different ways and misinterpret each other’s motives. Understanding the differences can deflect the misinterpretation and make sense where there seemed to be no sense.
We all have an “Asking for directions” experience—what’s yours? Comments and feedback are useful for everyone - so please take a moment and share your thoughts.
