Dale Carnegie had a major influence on my life. When I was 12 years old my father gave me the copy of his book “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” After moving to a new town and switching to a new school, I think dad thought it would be helpful.
It was.
Thanks to my father’s insight, and the “paint-by-numbers” guidance in Carnegie’s book, I learned the art of connecting with kids and making my exchanges with them productive.
Originally published in 1936, How to Win Friends and Influence People is one of the first bestselling self-help books ever written; to date it has sold 15 million copies, has been translated into 17 languages and is distributed in 40 countries worldwide.
Carnegie was a poor farmer’s boy who ultimately found success teaching public speaking.
His first book was called Public Speaking and Influencing Men in Business. It came out in 1913, just a year after Carnegie (who later changed his surname from Carnagey at a time when Andrew Carnegie was a widely revered and recognized name) tapped into the average American’s desire to have more self-confidence.
The Missouri native was an early proponent of the philosophy known in the personal growth field as responsibility assumption. Primarily, responsibility assumption holds that each individual has substantial or total responsibility for the events and circumstances that befalls her in life.
While it’s not new news that each person has at least some role in shaping his experience, responsibility assumption is the DNA understanding in the realm of cause and effect.
What it says is that the individual's mental contribution to his or her own experience is substantially greater than is normally thought.
This is very important and therefore, very powerful.
Have you heard of “The Secret”? That movie is chockfull of responsibility assumption.
We each have the ability to completely influence our life from the inside out...with the real power coming from the inner!
Surprisingly, this truth only appears minutely in Carnegie’s written work and has been kept a secret.
One of the core ideas much more prevalent in Carnegie’s books is that it’s possible to change other people's behavior by changing one's reaction to them.
Affecting other people’s behavior is perhaps the #1 mainstream method of influence that we’ve been spoon-fed for decades.
An example can be found in the teachings of Dr. Robert Cialdini. Considered one of today’s authorities in the field of influence, Cialdini has penned two New York Times bestsellers and has amassed a large following. Business people especially are attuned to his work.
Best known for coining Weapons of Influence (reciprocity, commitment and consistency, social proof, authority, liking and scarcity), the phrase—and thinking—leaves me somewhat perplexed. Is influence something we use as a weapon? Are there hostages?
In his book “The Science of Influence,” persuasion expert Kevin Hogan says I can “ . . . Get Anyone to Say Yes in 8 Minutes or Less.” Really? (And I can learn all this at an Influence Bootcamp for only $3997!)
(One testimonial, from ultra-successful sales trainer Jeffrey Gitomer reads: “Want to influence others? Want to persuade others? Want to sell others? Then this book is not an option…”)
Picture this.
In the grand sphere of influence what you have then, is the commonly accepted belief that influence is the use of an outer or external component (i.e. the body) as a means of getting what you want.
This is logical when you accept influence as how to exert power over someone or something.
As in Hogan’s book title. And in the use of influence weapons. (While I don’t advocate using weapons, it’s rare that those who do use them on oneself.)
Here’s an interesting article on e-How.com where contributing writer James Ford instructs managers and leaders on the five sources of power to influence subordinates: reward power, coercive power, legitimate power, expert power and referent power.
Again, each of these ‘sources of power’ are external ways of persuading or influencing someone to do what you want… something happening outside of yourself.
What today’s “Influence Gurus” have in common—and why women should care
Most (and certainly not all!) lessons of modern-day influence are written by men who talk about outer experiences addressing the “doing” aspect of influence.
“The key is to characterize what it is they know they should be doing in a way that makes it more likely they’ll engage in that behavior. Give them a value that they connect to the behavior. This produces more adherence.” —Dr. Robert Cialdini
Adherence. The “if-I-do-this-than-you-will-do-that” rule of influence.” These rules simplify—and even distort by watering down—the essence and value of influence.
“If I do this than you will do that,” is a low-level explanation of influence.
Outer results are just 33% of the influence pie...ignoring talents women bring to the table.
Because women are not naturally attracted to dominance (and even repel it), what’s being taught about influence in the mainstream negates our most precious resource to create a life of total fulfillment.
Don’t misunderstand. Over time, I practiced and mastered the lessons Mr. Carnegie taught. But remember, much of Carnegie’s lesser-known beliefs are about attitude (frame of mind or feeling) and sincerity (honesty).
What’s more, none of these “say this and do that” teachings take into account something very important—the personality.
How we work inside.
As my education and practice in psychology evolved, I found myself wanting to understand more. I wanted to know everything about influence.
So I decided to look into it to see what was “missing.” And here’s one of the most profound discoveries I found.
Influence according to Merriam-Webster.
The dictionary defines influence as “an ethereal fluid held to flow from the stars and to affect the actions of humans, an emanation of spiritual or moral force, or the act or power of producing an effect without apparent exertion of force or direct exercise of command.”
Wow. What a beautiful definition. I hadn’t heard that before.
The origin for the word “influence” comes from the Latin, “influere” which means “to flow into.” Post-Roman Era Latin introduced the term “influential” which became “influence” in the French. The English language took its definition of “influence” from the French.
Webster’s definition of influence “to flow into” was curious. Flow. That meant something to me. But not just on a mental level. On a gut level.
I wanted to feel influential. I knew that influence as only what’s done to someone else is superficial.
That which is superficial is, by nature, disempowering.
I longed to know what occurs inside. What was the component that’s both vital and palpable in determining where my influence comes from, how I influence myself, and only then how I influence my environment?
In other words, what is the source—not the execution—of influence?
Twenty-five years ago, I wasn’t too surprised to find the bookstore research was scarce.
Instead I got my hands on every textbook in the field of psychology I could find and began to work with influence in my profession.
As a psychologist, then executive coach, politicians, judges, CEOs and professionals came to me to learn influence tactics to help them succeed.
And succeed they did.
And so did I…at creating what—as a woman—made holistic sense to me: 20/20 Influence.
20/20 Influence embodies an entire way of being, and not just doing. It’s the trifecta, so to speak, of the Soul, the Mind, and the Body.
You see, influence is more about an internal process than an external one.
Human being, not human doing. I thought, “Instead of having influence, I want to be influence.”
Let me show you how is 20/20 Influence is different than what’s indexed in self-help and personal development under influence today.
20/20 Influence embraces the inner process of soul and mind. It’s the perfect alignment of allowing the soul to speak our mind, and how the mind responds to the voice of the soul as we allow universal energy to flow through.
The body acts as the channel through which the inner (soul and mind) manifest themselves. Therefore, the body is the ‘doing’ aspect of influence. The soul and mind are the ‘being’ aspects of influence.
Tiger Woods personifies what can happen when we don’t tap into the most important ingredient of influence: soul.
“If you are given a chance to be a role model, I think you should always take it because you can influence a person’s life in a positive light, and that’s what I want to do. That’s what it’s all about.” —Tiger Woods
Throughout his career Tiger Woods has been very good at saying and doing all the necessary things to influence massive numbers of people.
Recently we found out that the one thing Tiger didn’t do well was develop his 20/20 Influence. Not listening to his soul. Like many businessmen, Tiger focused on influence as a way of doing and not as a way of being.
Carnegie knew the secret of influence. Nature is always energy for the greater good of all. Each level of 20/20 Influence is a preparation for the next with each procession resting on the prior alignment’s satisfaction.
20/20 Influence calls us to understand influence through a different lens…one that empowers a woman to evolve her life through the use of inner fluency that lets you find a way around any barrier and conduct yourself with confidence, competence and grace.
Everyone wants to be happy, and this desire to obtain happiness is the motivation behind our every action…even if our actions bring us unhappiness instead.
We really can be more joyful when we understand the art and science of influence.
After all, it’s the most natural way of living, and it also helps others toward becoming happy and prosperous.
We’ll talk more about the good news 20/20 Influence has for women in my upcoming posts.
